Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.