What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again