hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
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Blew my mind.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
you gotta be faster
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made