Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
You Might Also Like
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.