Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
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[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
This is the one
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I am also baked goods
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I WON A HAM TODAY
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough