If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.