[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
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I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
We like the way Dwight thinks
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping