Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Seas the day!!!!
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.