The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
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If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Jesus Christ lmao
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.