We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
had to share :’)
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?