What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
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Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’