Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.