being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
You Might Also Like
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
early stone age tool
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE: