[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
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[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
A ghost story
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Wake me when AI does housework
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My dog ate my work from home.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Blew out my flip flop…
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is