“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The smoothest fall of all time
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people