Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
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🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Never let them know your next move 😂
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.