teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I did not eat the cake…
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!