HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
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[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.