that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
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A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Appendi
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Appendviii
Appendix
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.