To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
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My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.