Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
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I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
nobody’s gonna understand
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad