McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
plant them where lol
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started