– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
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*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Autocarrot sucks!
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.