I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
You Might Also Like
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Happy weekend !
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Roses are red, you always mattered,
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.