[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Lmaoo 😂
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[eats all your cotton candy]
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud