If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
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me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.