[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.