“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
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“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean