*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
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me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.