mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
You Might Also Like
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”