Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
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If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.