Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
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Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney