This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
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It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.