Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
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you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Draw me like one of your French Fries.