Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.