Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
🌱🌱🌱
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.