A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
You Might Also Like
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.