[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
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me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Me irl
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty