Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
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There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
scrabbled eggs
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
eating my hot dog hamburger style
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Google assistant rules
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.