It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
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I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Netflix and awkward silence?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan