“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
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My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
every. time.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
forgive me baja for i have blast
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good