This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
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[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.