Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
You Might Also Like
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Living the best life.. 😊
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.