Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
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Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Sending in my taxes
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why