Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
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…żyje?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Well, my evening plans are ruined
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.