Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
You Might Also Like
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
why would tinder want me to say this
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
dream blunt rotation
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed