After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
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I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up