[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to