I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
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I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share