[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
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*aggressively skips to my Lou*
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it